ACE CatFurniture.com
Welcome To Ace's Joke Page.Have a little fun and crack a smile. We have put together some great jokes and funny stories that you and your critters will love!If you have a joke or funny story you would like to add, please email us with the address at the bottom of this page. |
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Barney always gets a
laugh from this page.
laugh from this page.
* Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
* Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
* Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
* What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
* If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?
None! They were copy cats.
* Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a
mouse.
* Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
* Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
* What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
* If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?
None! They were copy cats.
* Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a
mouse.
PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your
nocturnal games. Below are listed below are several cat games. It is important though to
maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling
off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those
humans every time.
GAMES:
a) Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are
their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the
mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.
b) King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are
the hill which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game
allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable playing field.
WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed. Should
the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy
you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs,
this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
c) Tag: This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is It. The other(s)
chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the Scrimmage, after which the
cat who caught the other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest
potential for loss of dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the
Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash
themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case,
the dog automatically becomes It and should be subjected to the Pileup.
d) Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is
a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll
is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to
escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your
nocturnal games. Below are listed below are several cat games. It is important though to
maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling
off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those
humans every time.
GAMES:
a) Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are
their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the
mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.
b) King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are
the hill which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game
allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable playing field.
WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed. Should
the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy
you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs,
this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
c) Tag: This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is It. The other(s)
chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the Scrimmage, after which the
cat who caught the other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest
potential for loss of dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the
Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash
themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case,
the dog automatically becomes It and should be subjected to the Pileup.
d) Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is
a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll
is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to
escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.
The Difference between a cat and a dog......
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry
house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry
house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry
house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry
house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Basic Rules For Cats Who Run A House
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs
and hammer it with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided
at all costs
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs
and hammer it with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided
at all costs
Does Your Cat Own You?
Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at
the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks
the butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your
cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food
in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain
your cat?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain
while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on
a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you
spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on
Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both
watched the same commercial on television?
Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so
you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before
you pick out anything for yourself?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of
an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring
them out when your friends share pictures of their children?
(Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's
pictures in their wallets, by the way.)
When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that
they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you
eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your
cat, by name, to them?
Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at
the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks
the butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your
cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food
in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain
your cat?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain
while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on
a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you
spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on
Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both
watched the same commercial on television?
Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so
you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before
you pick out anything for yourself?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of
an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring
them out when your friends share pictures of their children?
(Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's
pictures in their wallets, by the way.)
When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that
they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you
eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your
cat, by name, to them?
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